Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
