I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
