i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
