did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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