i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
