hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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