Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
