You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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