i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
