Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I bet he comes in French.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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