everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
