I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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