I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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