Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
