At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Sext me about skeletons
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