i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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