This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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