Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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