You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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