I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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