If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
