Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
