She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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