everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
