lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
