so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
