What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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