Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
