bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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