yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
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