She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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