Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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