PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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