I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
