I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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