she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
