so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
