Cold hands, warm shart.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Tornado booty call.. dedication
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
