I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
