Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
