I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i already hear my dad disowning me
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
