Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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