Will you blow on my dice?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
