I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
