I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Even my vagina gasped.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
