i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
