I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
whose parrot is this?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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