Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
