Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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