Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Life is so much better after having sex.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
