do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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